Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
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Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
No regrets in 2018
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.