“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
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You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Awesome parenting 😂
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
How do dragons blow out candles?
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?