In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
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Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right