Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
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Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.