[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
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My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Does this dress make me look cat?
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Nothing.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.