Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
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“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Not all heroes wear capes…
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok