We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
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me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.