Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
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85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
i wish we could shoplift online