developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
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When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.