when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
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me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Me My dog
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?