My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
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“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?