I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
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Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene