Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
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Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.