[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
You Might Also Like
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Tony Hawk, age 6
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
my name if I was in the mob
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know