Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
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wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I have two kinds of followers
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*