welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
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5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.