Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
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He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back