My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
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So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Erm…
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
some cats are just doing for fun!
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you