Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
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Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
it was a valiant fight
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.