I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
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Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying