cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
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WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw