A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
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Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way