Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
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[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*