I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
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Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
You’ll be OK
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.