Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
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Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
my first day as a raccoon
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?