me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
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Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
sliding into dms like
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word