You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
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This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy