I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
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You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
rise and shine we got egg
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Tier 3 meme
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is