Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
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*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about