House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
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First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*