I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
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How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
#ProTip
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.