“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
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“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied