When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
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*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
$4 #usedbooks
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
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