her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
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Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce