[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
You Might Also Like
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Sign at work today
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.