*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
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I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )