I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
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Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.