If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
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That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIĂ‘ATA
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once