*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
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What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
My flabber has been gasted.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.