My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
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I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄