My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
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Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…