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Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Finally!
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Worth a try
he chose this
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.