I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
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It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck