Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
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I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?