I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
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[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.