a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
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why am I working on Labor Day
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
is this meant to deter me
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.