Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
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I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
The days of good grammer has went
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Succinctly put.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.