Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
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All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
#dnd #ttrpg
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
This came to me in a dream.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Dietest Coke
This probably isn’t good
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.