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How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
scrabbled eggs
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
starting a garage orchestra
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power