*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
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hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny